{"id":7786,"date":"2022-07-08T08:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-07-08T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/racheldelafuente.com\/blog\/?p=7786"},"modified":"2023-03-20T19:51:43","modified_gmt":"2023-03-20T23:51:43","slug":"adhd-journey","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/racheldelafuente.com\/blog\/adhd-journey\/","title":{"rendered":"My AD(H)D Journey"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I found your interest in a post about my AD(H)D journey surprising. I included it as a possible topic in my request for help<\/a> only because I’d recently experienced a lot of new symptoms. I never expected it to be in the top 5 most requested.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m going to shorten “ADD\/ADHD” as AD(H)D. I’m not an expert on either “variation” of the condition, so I don’t want to imply that what I’ve dealt with or information I’ve found is specific to one or other. Also, some medical professionals are now using ADHD as an umbrella term to to cover hyperactive type (previously referred to as ADHD), inattentive type (previously referred to as ADD), and combined type (also referred to as ADHD).<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n

Youth<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I suppose I should mention that I have no “real” memories of what I’ll be discussing in this “youth” section. Instead, they’re those false memories you develop as a result of family \u2014 or others \u2014 telling you stories frequently.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to my parents, I was diagnosed with AD(H)D around 3-4 years of age in pre-school. The principal suggested I get evaluated because my hyperactivity and difficulting focusing went beyond average. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, I was sickly as a child due to a congenital immunodeficiency problem, and was often on several medications at once. Despite my new AD(H)D diagnosis, my parents didn’t want to put me on medication to avoid having to worry about drug interactions. While AD(H)D could make life difficult, it wasn’t a matter of life and death like several of my illnesses had already been \u2014 and would prove to be later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My childhood didn’t have much emphasis on AD(H)D and potential symptoms or problems. My mom \u2014 who, at the time, was an elementary school teacher \u2014 undertook helping me learn to manage the symptoms she<\/em> saw. Now, while she certainly had the best intentions, she was not<\/em> an expert on AD(H)D. She focused on the hyperactivity and concentration, and that’s about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

With enough emphasis on keeping myself under control, I eventually developed a mask of normalcy. Because of that, I, like many, assumed AD(H)D was no more than hyperactivity and lack of focus and that I’d been lucky enough to “grow out of it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Unfortunately, this ignorance \u2014 on my part and on my parents’ \u2014 led to a lot of disagreements, disappointments, and annoyances over the years. Several of the key issues my parents and I fought over in my childhood could likely be associated with AD(H)D. For example, my messy\/disorganized \u2014 but never unhygienic \u2014 room or my “selective listening” \u2014 my mom used to swear I purposefully tuned her out, but I just didn’t hear her through my hyperfocus.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It could also be said I developed anxiety relating to the need to make sure school assignments were perfect. My mom was very hard on me about what she called “careless mistakes” and “inattention to detail.” While there’s a good chance my AD(H)D was at least partially to blame for those, the anxiety helped me ensure that everything was as close to perfect as I could make it. And that sticks with me through today.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As I got older, I attempted to tackle things I thought were bad habits or problems with me \u2014 difficulty with acquisitiveness, procrastination, forgetfulness, etc. I spent many years trying to “fix” problems that likely can’t<\/em> be fixed. If I’d known that, I could have instead tried to find coping strategies. But I digress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ultimately, what I mean to say is that I thought<\/em> the strategies that had been drilled into me as a child had served me well; had “solved” my AD(H)D. To a small degree, that was true. But really, I’d never learned much about AD(H)D, so I was left without tools for many issues I later learned were likely symptoms, and completely<\/em> unprepared when my symptoms ramped up last year.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Re-Emergence of Symptoms<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Around the middle of last year, my AD(H)D kicked into overdrive. Serious contemplation of possible explanations led me to believe it may have been caused by an extended period of stress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Throughout most of 2020 \u2014 April through the end of the year \u2014 Jim had been unemployed. Then in June of 2020, I had to undertake a massive web update at work single-handedly, followed by a total web overhaul that continued through 2020 and well into 2021. In April 2021, I took on additional duties when a coworker left. Then came the cicadas with a sound specially developed to drive me crazy \u2014 OK, not literally, but it felt like it. And that was all rounded out with the stress of applying for a new job that I desperately wanted and feared I wouldn’t get. All together, about a year and a half of nonstop \u2014 and overlapping \u2014 major stressors.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Looking at it all laid out, I suppose it’s no surprise that my AD(H)D \u2014 and other aspects of my mental health \u2014 were negatively impacted.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, recently, I came across a post on Instagram<\/a> \u2014 I highly suggest you watch the video, it’s about a minute long. The TLDR version is anxiety can mask AD(H)D. Some kids develop anxiety that effectively masks many of their AD(H)D symptoms. Then, when the anxiety is dealt with, those symptoms rear their ugly heads. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

How does that relate to me? Well, in May of last year, I started taking Lexapro for anxiety. As I understand it, it’s one of those medications that has to build up in your system a bit to get full effects. And I’m on a low-ish dose. My first AD(H)D symptoms started escalating in June. The most devastating symptoms started appearing in July. The timeline definitely supports the possibility I found on Instagram.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, while the situation was certainly no laughing matter, I jokingly referred to my maddening increase in symptoms as my brain taking out an AD(H)D subscription box to try out all the possible symptoms, ordering more of all those I hated most. Upon reflection, though, I realize I was more attuned to those symptoms I hadn’t been unknowingly dealing with all my life. I was more aware of them, and, without any coping mechanisms, they had a greater impact on me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Among myriad other things, I found it increasingly difficult to focus. I was jittery, bouncy, and agitated. My memory deteriorated, leaving me increasingly more forgetful. And, worst of all, I had zero<\/em> impulse control. This all was on top of all the symptoms I’d been experiencing for years and only later discovered could be AD(H)D related.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The lack of impulse control was by far the worst and the scariest. It manifested in purchasing and eating. I would tell myself not to buy something because I didn’t have money or didn’t need it. I’d specifically say, “don’t do that; don’t spend money you don’t have,” only to purchase it on credit. The same would happen with food; “don’t eat it, you aren’t even hungry,” or “you don’t even really want that,” then I’d gobble it down. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I couldn’t control my own actions, and it was horrible. I felt like I was merely observing these occurrences, without any input on the outcome. It was also demoralizing as I put back on the weight I’d lost in the previous two years in an attempt to get healthier.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Seeking Help<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my actions that at first I tried to hide them. But, after a few weeks, it became apparent that whatever was going on wasn’t going to go away. So, I opened up to Jim and started doing some research. It’s how I learned that AD(H)D can cause a lack of impulse control. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also discovered the mental health side of Instagram. Accounts like adhdandbeyond<\/a> (although, unfortunately, this account seems to have been abandoned), adhdelite<\/a>, and adhd__things<\/a> have helped me learn more about AD(H)D with posts from people dealing with it as opposed to the generic results Google usually brings up. They provide me with nuggets of information I can then research further. This research led me to ADDitude<\/a> which has some good articles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, at my next appointment, I spoke to my psychiatrist about the difficulty I’d been having. There was some back and forth to figure out the best medication for me, but eventually I was prescribed a non-stimulant medication: guanfacine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Within a couple of weeks, I started noticing a difference. I could choose<\/em> not to buy or eat something. While difficult at first, it improved over time. My memory improved. The frequency of days where I couldn’t make myself focus decreased. Granted, it wasn’t a miracle pill. I wasn’t “cured.” But I felt more myself, and my symptoms weren’t so overwhelming.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I also found a new therapist \u2014 my previous one had left the service I use \u2014 to help me learn coping mechanisms. He’s been working with me on cognitive behavioral therapy. He also introduced me to alpha brainwave music for concentration, which is very useful \u2014 when I remember to use it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Symptoms<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

So, what are<\/em> those symptoms I’ve hinted at several times? The ones that I’ve dealt with most of my life, but didn’t know may be related to AD(H)D. <\/p>\n\n\n\n